I've written about my anxiety before, but it's a hydra of an illness. The thing about anxiety is that it's a creep. It finds you and then it makes your bad days worse. I woke up this morning and new it was going to be a nasty one. I felt the weight of my anxiety settle itself nicely on my shoulders, felt it shroud my heart, and knew today was going to be a doozy.
When my anxiety is at it's worst, people will ask, "what's wrong?" It isn't that simple. Sometimes I can't pinpoint what exactly it is that has me in such a dark place, sometimes it's something as stupid as me locking myself out of my apartment--only it's snowballed into something angrier. All at once I've started nitpicking at everything in my life.
The little voice in the back of my head realizes it's it's time to shine, repeating the four words it knows best--you're not good enough. Not good enough for what, you ask? Everything. That job I want, that relationship that didn't work out, it wasn't because of outside circumstances, it's all me.
Anxiety is your worst critic, it is you, it knows all of your worst and most intimate secrets and shamelessly brings them up to flaunt in your face. You wind up freezing like a deer in the headlights, worried that those around you will see your anxiety rearing it's ugly head.
This thing in your head leaks out into your physical life. You find yourself hitting the snooze button every ten minutes for an hour, until it's too late for a shower and you'll have to go to work with your feet still baring remnants of dirt from the good day you had yesterday running barefoot at your parents' house.
On days like today, I'm a bag of mixed emotions. I literally want to disappear. I don't want to put forth the energy to talk to anyone. At the same time though, I want someone to reach out to me, I want to wearily drive home to my apartment to find someone waiting with a Disney movie and Chinese food (fyi Chinese food fixes almost everything. Especially cream cheese wontons).
Everything about anxiety is a contradiction. You want someone close, but you don't want to be overbearing. You want to disappear but you also want someone there to reassure you.
So today is like a bad day, only different. This is far from the most articulate post I've ever written, but I figured for others who have anxiety--it would be nice to know they aren't alone.